Today is Thursday, the ninth day of July, 2050. Apple has announced iPhone 36, which analysts predict will add to their corporate treasure chest that is already estimated to be slightly greater than the gross national product of the 14 largest European nations combined. The new phone features the long-awaited iTeleport app that allows users to travel thousands of miles in nanoseconds.
Microsoft reported plans to incorporate similar features into Windows 119 “real soon now.”
Notably missing from the iPhone 36 is iTimeTravel, which Apple spokespeople say has been delayed at least until the end of the year. To substantiate the veracity of the new delivery date, three engineers traveled back from January of 2051 to report that sales of the iPhone 37 are even stronger than currently anticipated.
In other news, Google Blink will be phased out after a 14-year trial in public beta. Contradicting the speculation that the world isn’t ready for a search engine that finds things months before people want them, Google said that the reason for abandoning the once-heralded project is so that it can devote more resources toward Gmail, which is still in public beta.
Google also confirmed that its project to digitize all written communication known to man hit yet another roadblock when a Superior Court judge in Wisconsin overturned an earlier court decision that had awarded it the finger paintings of a kindergarten class in Baraboo.
Reruns of Gilligan’s Island have been updated to 3D and 4D and can now be seen on the current crop of 150K multidimensional television receivers.
Debate continues in congress over the global weather change issue. Based on reports from an expert panel that wintered in Minneapolis—allegedly to avoid the subzero temperatures in Miami—the threat of shifting temperature trends and weather bands has been largely exaggerated. Three important decisions are in queue for voting: Congress has until next week to decide whether or not to continue funding flood insurance for soybean farmers in Phoenix, subsidizing new housing on the landmass that now extends from South Carolina to Spain, and researching the extinction of lobsters, crabs, clams, and oysters in the Atlantic Ocean.
A surprising cooperative effort between a popular hamburger restaurant and the Sylvester Stallone estate was announced last week. Rocky 312 will be filmed entirely in the fly-through lane at McDonalds. Company spokesman said the venture will commemorate the chain’s new slogan, “Over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 sold.”
In sports, FIFA announced that the 2070 World Cup will be held on the tiny island nation of Nauru, population 10,085, assuming of course that sufficient flat space can be cleared for a soccer field. Athletes plan to stay in nearby Australia and commute by Jet Ski. In baseball, the Havana Panatelas defeated the Minsk Mensheviks to move into first place. The loss was the seventh in a row for the Mensheviks who haven’t won a game since their 22-3 trouncing of the Boston Red Sox back on June 22. And the Chicago Cubs, who remain in the cellar and 25.5 games off the pace, issued this official statement: “Just wait until next year.”
Jon Sienkiewicz is director of corporate communications for URC and a widely published freelance writer who specializes in digital photography, computer, business management and fishing publications.